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Craft of Writing

Ebenezer Scrooge on Gifts for Writers

(as channeled by Lon Prater)

That ink-stained vagabond Mr. Dickens took it upon himself to add dramatic detail to my story. To make it more satisfying as a work of fiction, he said—or something to that effect. No, I’m not talking about the ghosts—alas, that part was all too real. And I am in no way trying to say that pitiable tot Tim and his family didn’t melt my old, cold heart. No, the part that still gives me heartburn, even here in the Great Beyond, is that skipping, smiling, spendthrift ending he libeled me with. To be sure, I wasn’t as miserly as I had been in the past, but that doesn’t mean I’d ever condone squandering of the type Mr. Dickens would have you believe. No, some things about a person can’t change that dramatically, and being cheap happens to be one of them.

Which brings me to the present topic: Gifts for Writers. Bah! And Double Bah! The very thought of it makes me want to squeeze my tuppence even tighter in my fists. Of all the rookers in the world, writers are the last ones who need gifts. All those overpriced literary baubles trotted out every Christmas for friends and loved ones to spend money on! Ha! Well, I’m here to tell you that once they have one of those new-fangled computators and home printing presses, or at least access to one, there’s hardly a need to spend another dime on your writer friend. The list below will prove it: Any gift that a writer actually needs usually costs less than one of those inappropriately named “Value Meals” you moderns seem to enjoy, and they probably already have it anyway.

SCROOGE’S EXTREMELY CHEAP GIFTS FOR WRITERS

You Want To Buy Them. . .	But All They Really Need Is. . .
Any of the billions of books intended to make the reader a better writer	1. A Library Card   2. An Internet connection and the links to sites like http://thewritersezine.com, http://dictionary.com, http://thesaurus.com and http://wikipedia.org
Expensive pen and pencil set	1. A pack of number twos and a plastic sharpener   2. A no-frills black or blue ink pen
Overpriced word-processing software	A link to http://www.openoffice.org
Story Structuring or Idea Developing software	1) A pad of Post-it Notes or a package of index cards and room to lay them out and shuffle them around 2) A spiral notebook, maybe two if you catch them on sale.
Any of the various books designed to help writers market their work	1) Any good library will have Literary Marketplace or at least a copy of Writer’s Market, and more and more websites such as http://www.ralan.com are offering free genre-specific market listings chock-full of current information. 2. The library and links too cheap for gifts, even from a Scrooge? Well then, give them a book of stamps instead; all that submitting of heavy manuscripts and partials can get expensive after awhile!
A cutesy page a day calendar, or other writing area clutter	Rather than more distractions, why not just give them some peace and quiet when they’re trying to write?

The fact is, that precocious Mr. Dickens didn’t have even a half-measure of the cheap items on my list above when he was writing—much less all those pricy gewgaws they’re peddling to writers these days—yet he somehow managed to pen a decent yarn or two. (Despite the egregious liberties he took regarding my own frugal end. . .)

The way I see it, getting writers so many fancy distractions is just squandering money and maybe worse: you could be setting them up to make excuses and ask for more. Next thing you know they’re saying: “I would write more, or better, if I only had. . .”

And there’s only one thing any self-respecting skinflint can say to something like that. You know the words, say them with me:

Bah, Humbug!


About the Author
Lon Prater still thinks writing-related gifts are a pretty cool way to show you care, no matter how little value Mr. Scrooge believes they actually add. Find out more about Lon’s non-channeling work at http://www.neverary.com.