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The Lighter Side

Betty Kreier-Lubinski

Housekeeping for Writers

Writing the great American novel, or a book of short stories, or a pornographic stage play requires much more than talent and a willing publisher. It also requires time. Finding that time involves some careful, focused scheming and planning.

If you think writing great works of art can be done in five minute snatches here and there while waiting at a bus stop, think again. It doesn't work that way. Any respectable burst of wind gusting through will snatch up the best of your five-minute pages and send them squirreling into the nearest mud puddle where your ink will blur, and the words will be lost forever.

You must seriously consider carving out large chunks of housekeeping time in your life to become the writer you are meant to be. I am here to tell you how it's done.

(Please note the following items are not in order of priority. I don't have the time to waste on priority. I am a busy writer.)

1. Don't cook. Start wailing well before dinner time that you've been cooking for 40 years, that your menu ideas are all used up, and you can't think of a thing you can bear to cook, let alone eat. Suggest split pea soup, canned. Remind your husband/wife/roommate about the dirty dishes which accumulate after every meal.

2. Be prepared with a list of inexpensive restaurants where you could find something decent to eat - with no dirty dishes to wash. Remember: you're not dining, just eating out. MacDonald's have good salads, but there's always Kentucky Fried, Wendy's, Carl's, Burger King, etc. You get the idea. So fast food is fattening; eat less. You have to make some sacrifices to become a great artist.

3. When you cook, serve on paper plates. If you're concerned about saving trees, cut down on use of other paper in your house (paper towels, toilet tissue, newspapers) but don't live without paper plates. Someone once suggested that rejection slips make good toilet tissue.

4. If you're cooking a simple meal, set the table with only the required utensils: A spoon if you're having soup, a fork for casseroles, a knife only if some serious cutting is required. (It's just a hillbilly myth that you should eat peas with a knife.) This doesn't work for elegant formal dinners, but if you have elegant formal dinners, then you're crazy, beyond my help, and you'll never have time to become a writer.

5. When good friends notice how swamped you are and ask what they can do to help you, never quibble. Say quickly, "Please clean out my refrigerator. If you can't identify something, throw it away." Make sure they understand that cleaning the fridge includes washing it out afterwards. A good alternative to the refrigerator is, "Please clean out my toilets."

6. Buy dark-colored jersey sheets for your bed. They keep their clean look for about a month as long as you don't let your dogs sleep with you. When they get so bad that they are scratchy to sleep on, haul them off the bed and wash them, but leave them in the dryer. If you leave them there long enough, your husband/wife/roommate will come and look for them, put them back on the bed, and even make it. Especially if you have only one set of sheets for each bed.

7. Grow to like dust bunnies. Name them. Be amused as they travel around the house. Watch how innovative they can be as they race each other from one room to another. (P.S. Don't let the dogs eat them.)

8. Be sure to keep only dogs and cats that don't shed hair. Poodles are a good choice. Don't even let long-haired dogs or cats sit on your front porch because, the first thing you know, you'll feel sorry for them, start feeding them, and will invite them into the house. Be hard-hearted.

9. Use dim lights, perhaps even rose-colored all through your house. When you have company, they glow with romantic ambience and the dirt in the corners doesn't show. These lights also hide wrinkles which means you can cut your beauty routine in half because if the lights are dim enough, blotches, blemishes and wrinkles will never show.

10. When grandparents offer to keep your kids overnight, say yes. No matter how they intend to spoil them. Creating warm ties with your extended family is of great benefit when you need a babysitter. (When the babies get to be teenagers and you want them to run away from home, you have a friendly, familiar place to send them.)

11. If you live on acreage or even a large lot, buy a goat to take care of your pesky lawn. A goat will keep the grass neatly trimmed, and even eat blackberry bushes. Goats can also be very affectionate, but don't let them in the house.

If you have additional ideas for avoiding housekeeping chores and increasing your writing time, please let me know. I will award no prizes, but I will list your names on the dust on my car, right under where someone unknown has written, "Wash me." Name recognition is wonderful for when your next book is published and on the book shelves. In elections, people always vote for familiar names. They also buy books written by writers with familiar names, and they never ask how those names got to be so familiar. Trust me.

Happy writing.
 

About the Author:

Betty Kreier-Lubinski has written short stories and articles which have appeared in T-Zero and RSVP ezines, as well as Sunshine, Science of Mind,Staff, The Christian Mother, and romance magazines. She is a lifetime member of WVU and is currently working on a book of short stories.