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Healthy Horizons

Laurie Lupold

Sitting here on this extremely cold day in January I somehow wish it was warmer but don’t anticipate the coming of spring. It’s kind of how I’ve felt about a lot of things in my life lately. Recognition without anticipation. It’s kind of a numb, unrelenting feeling, acknowledging the existence of things in life without expanding on their purpose in a sense.

I suppose part of my transparent nature could be due to the functional capabilities of my medication but I trust that it goes much deeper than that. I seem to have an inner conflict that has been tearing at my insides for some time now.

I just finished my son’s home assessment last week so he’ll be returning home as soon as they come up with a release date. I know I should be jumping up and down and full of excitement and, trust me, a part of me is but there is also a part of me that is in turmoil.

He just seems to have this arrogance about him that he thinks he is the authority figure here. He’s going to tell me what I can and can’t have and what I will allow him to have and have not. It’s just very irritating and frankly it has me deeply offended to say the least.

The other issue is the toll this will take on my life once again. When he comes home, he will be coming home under house arrest once again. Part of that means that I will have restricted hours to do my work on the computer. I can work around that but it’s the tension as well. He’s going to start to get agitated because he’s been locked up so long and now, even though he will be home, he won’t be able to be out among his friends or go to work, do any of the things he longs to do for a while. That puts extra stress on me.

Then of course there is the uncertainty of the outcome. Did he learn his lesson or in time will we be back at the same crossroads with the same unfortunate outcome? Only time will give me the answers but until then I live beyond hope. I say beyond hope because I am asking a lot with no uncertain expectations of significant returns. The future rests before me now. I can only hope it will provide me with comfort and joy.

One thing that has left me grateful is the relationship I have developed with my readers. It has been one of the most important and beneficial things in my life. The support and dedication that I have received from each individual who takes the time to read my column has been a source of strength and an abundance of comfort to me and I will continually do my best to uphold and respect each of you.