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Healthy Horizons

Laurie Lupold

In Touch

I was really unsure whether I would be contributing this month to the zine as I have had an extremely difficult month. But then I have thought to myself, about many other difficult months that I was able to create a column and as it turned out, those were some of my very best. I seemed to have set a standard of sharing myself at my very best and worst of times. Luckily, it has not bored my readership. Haha!

My difficulties this month have been the challenges of my bipolar. My doctor seems to think that when I am doing better I choose not to keep appointments but my doctor is incorrect on this matter. It is when I am at my worst that I choose not to keep my appointment. I get this fear in the pit of my stomach that says if I go in he will surely discipline me for something I have or have not done. Now, this is probably far from the truth but it is how my mind sees it.

I was foreseeing all of this because I knew I had rebuttled on my treatment. I had not taken my medications properly. I had just gotten to the point where I simply did not care. Here is where my dysthymia takes over. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it is a severe form of depression. Unfortunately, I battle this much more regularly than I do mania.

My moods have raged like a storm within since the day they took my son away. I held on by my fingertips and I made decisions that I knew were of no benefit to me. That put me in a very poor position. I lost all medications and my treatment was denied until I show that I can make a commitment to doing what is best for me.

The first few days after I found out this news, I took it upon myself to pity and rage over such an injustice when I knew deep inside of me, that they were right. I couldn’t just expect them to take me back under their wing when I came crawling back for help. It was my responsibility to help myself. This is what I had not done most of my life when it came to my mental disabilities, I had not taken responsibility. I was not commited.

I have always had a difficult time accepting that I have these disabilities and will always need treatment and I despise the fact that I will always have to take medication. But then it came to mind that if I had a weak heart I would not deny myself the proper medication to keep it going and thus, I should not deny myself the proper medication to keep my mind as healthy as it is able to be. I just find myself frustrated quite often because they can’t seem to find the right medications and/or the right combinations of medications to keep me stable so I go around feeling like I am out of control so often and to me, that is the worst feeling in the world. That and fear.

My purpose for presenting this to my reading community, is that I know there are many people like me out there. Quite surprisingly, many of those diagnosed with mood disorders, are writers. I wanted an opportunity to applaud you, especailly if you are doing what is right by taking care of you. For those of you, who are like me and find yourself from time to time swaying away from what is in your best interest, please commit yourself to taking care of you. It is so important that you keep yourself healthy, for you and for those around you.

I have been struggling every day for this past month because I didn’t listen to my body, I didn’t do what was right. Each day I have to convince myself that this day is worth getting through. One day at a time, I reach inside myself for strength to keep my mind focused so that I don’t faulter and crumble to the powers of depression. I pray that none of you allow yourself to be put in this position. Listen to your body. It knows what is best for you. If you can’t hear it clearly then listen to your doctor. Until next time, keep reaching for those Healthy Horizons!

Laurie